No Arm, Mama, Otay?

Ever since the first night YBaby realized that I was all she had as far as sleep companions go, she has insisted on sleeping with her head on my shoulder. That’s right, snuggled right up next to Mama with her sweet little head on my shoulder. It was lovely – especially since she spent the first two weeks I knew her refusing any kind of affection from me. So, like I said, it was lovely. For the first few weeks. Then my shoulder started to hurt in the mornings. And then on into the afternoons. Yeah, then pretty much all the time, but I couldn’t get her to go to sleep unless I had my arm wrapped around her and her head on my shoulder. At first, I even had to keep my arm wrapped around her little body, too. Later, just sleeping on my arm was enough. Every night. For 13 months. As her speech improved, she started asking me at night, “”Arm, Mama”. And I would wrap my arm around her and let her fall asleep on my shoulder.

The people who know about stuff like this (or like to pretend that they do) say it’s all about security. She doesn’t trust that I’ll be there in the morning, so she wants to hold on to me so I can’t sneak away. I can see that, especially since waking without me beside her brings on an instant melt down. In all the time I’ve known this child she has only once actually gotten out of bed by herself. Generally if I don’t wake her, she just cries until I come get her. I know, she’s spoiled.

So, here’s the thing. In the past week, Y has told me three different times, “No arm, Mama, otay?” – meaning that she wants to go to sleep without pinning my left arm to the bed. And she has. Gone to sleep that is. Without me holding her. Could it be that after 13 months she finally believes that I will still be around in the morning? Is she actually starting to trust me? Does my baby finally feel safe? I truly hope so. But still, in a way, I miss that little head resting on my shoulder, you know?